Kirby: You're the star at your own funeral

Kirby: You're the star at your own funeral

You're the Star At Your Own Funeral Blast

Saturday, August 25, 2001

By Robert Kirby

Salt Lake Tribune

This has been the year for funerals. In just the past month I have gone

to three: two acquaintances and one family member of a friend.

Most of the funerals were the standard fare: music, prayer, eulogy, more

music, some more prayer, and then food. In and out in less than two hours.

One funeral, however, was far more elaborate. The music never

seemed to stop, the prayers droned forever, and the eulogies (4) went on

until even polite-looking people started leaving. It lasted so long that it

wasn't clear what was happening when finally some people came and got

the body. Was the service over, or was the casket being repossessed?

Incidentally, this was the service that had been pre-planned by the

deceased. It included a dog and a rock and roll song played so loud that

people in paradise probably called the cops.

This is not going to happen at my funeral. When I'm dead, I want to

know that things are under control. I lost my life, not my self-respect.

Granted, it might not matter to me. Whatever else happens after we

croak, you can be sure that it won't have much to do with the floral pattern

in the casket lining.

If God is pleased to see me, I will be too happy to care what kind of

funeral I'm having. If God is annoyed, I may have more painful things on

my mind. Like fire.

Conversely, if nothing awaits us on the other side, then I will be . . . well,

nothing, I guess. Not only will there be no reward, but it also won't matter

that I cut Sunday school.

So, what happens at my funeral will probably be more important to the

living, some of whom might be too grief/joy stricken to be objective about

cost and time. It should therefore be stuff that helps them cope.

What kind of funeral do I want for myself? Will we need a long eulogy?

Music? Food? How many mourners should we rent?

Some people put their loved ones to a lot of bother. They plan elaborate

funerals for themselves, drawing out the agony for those stuck here

without them.

Still, it might help to express some interest in how things go at your

funeral. If nothing else, it will give the grieving something to go on at a time

when they might not be thinking clearly. If you haven't planned your

funeral, maybe it's time. For the basic Christian model funeral, you will

need the following:

MUSIC: Religious numbers are the normal fare but be careful. You are

the star attraction. You don't want stuff so long and boring that it makes

everyone else wish they were dead, too. Rock and roll works, especially

Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven." However, "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee

Gees might be in poor taste.

EULOGY: Somebody normally talks about the deceased at a funeral.

You may want this person to be someone who actually liked you. And

please tell them to keep it short. Time still matters to the living, you know.

CASKET: Be reasonable, OK? It's against the law to bury people in

some things. You can't be buried in a beer keg, a Fritos bag, or a

rhinestone purse. Even a simple pine box still has to meet certain specs.

FOOD: For some reason, people eat after funerals. If you want a

certain food served at yours, keep in mind that grief and acid indigestion do

not compliment each other.

_________

Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. He

welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684 Springville, UT, 84663, or e-mail at

dark@airswitch.net